As this will probably be the last thing most of you hear from me, I wanted to make it perfect. Say just the right things, be the brilliant force of light and levity I tried to be in the old days. But I'm not that anymore. Shade is dead. Not physically, but spiritually. I'm not, I can't be that anymore. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have a choice of who to be again. The only thing that saddens me is that to be that someone, I have to leave all of you, all of this, behind. So as a final parting gift, here's some advice from an old drunk to all the friends who revitalized his life and filled him with hope.
To Shali: The strongest swords are forged in the hottest fires and struck a multitude of times. I look at the person you've become, and I'm SO proud of you. You became so much more than even I thought you could be, and for my own part, I'm glad. Just remember: You're only broken if you choose to be. If you choose to give up, and not try. Asshole didn't break you. He just pushed you to be someone new, and that person is someone eminently admirable.
To Jaime and Kibi: Been a while since we talked. My fault. I know it's been harder and harder to put up with me, and even harder to reach out. I've been ashamed of what I had become, and so I tried to hide, or smokescreen how I felt to the people who were closest to me. You two and Shali are family in my mind. Forever. Maybe that was part of the problem. The more I saw you as family, the more I treated you as such. I've never been close to my family, and I certainly never wanted them to know the things about me you do. I can only say this: You two are wonderful, and I wish all the comfort and joy in the world for you. I just wish I could be there to see you get married.
To Chris: This might be hardest of all. I can't and won't defend the things Dennis says about me, and while not all of them are true, it is true that I have not been a good person or a good friend for a long time now. You deserve better, and I'm sorry for that. I just want you to know this: Leaders, truly great ones, have no desire to lead. Like it or not, kidlet, you're one hell of a leader, and I'd follow you into the Darkest depths of Existence if you asked me to.
To Josh: Thank you, for giving me the strength to write this. It was extremely needed to have someone ask my side of things, and to give me the benefit of the doubt. Been a while since anyone did that for me. You'll never know what it meant to me. So let me give you some advice: Grow a spine. I say that with all the respect and love I can, but it's the truth. You'll never live up to your potential if you don't start standing up, and believing, in yourself.
Finally, to the rest of you, I'm not doing anything melodramatic. This is a simple goodbye. I have to... fix myself. I won't be contacting you after. I need to start fresh. Ditch the support group and figure out everything in my head. I can't do that if I keep getting drunk and whining at all of you. So this is goodbye. If you need me, really need me, I will try to be there. I just hope you all can respect my wishes, and leave me be. I can't do what I have to do with you babies hovering over my shoulder.
Love and goodbye to you all,
The Shade.
Fri Jan 17, 2020 11:41 am